Tell me there are stock options for the bottled air.

Whilst perusing the great reef that is the internet for a new chair to sit my great posterior in whilst editing images I stumbled across this glorious bottle of air listed at newegg.com . I hear it slices, dices and makes great mixed drinks. It better for 116 bucks. Sure that $14.00 can of air freshener you buy at at your local *mart can freshen the air, but is that ALL it does?

 

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The Confessions of a happy fat guy

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I’m a fat guy and its my fault, and what’s even worse is, and get ready, I’m a happy person. Oh God I just offended 60 percent of the population. First dear Lord help me I took responsibility for my fatness. I know there are millions to be made in blaming McDonald’s (or in my case Wendy’s and Denny’s) but hey I don’t remember the old lady from the “where’s the beef” commercials holding a gun to my head while I gulped down the triple baconator.

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Hottt……Juicy…..Drooooool

Actually she could have been there, so could Santa Claus and the Easter bunny I would not have noticed because I was in a meat induced euphoria that I did not care to come out of at the time. I look at myself in the mirror and I think, “yep that’s me, the fat guy” looking down at the sink I wonder “if I poured baking soda and vinegar down the sink it would smell any fresher? Oh and how long would it take me to clean the mess off the ceiling?”

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“Em, The cat did it”

Before all you skinny folks get your heart rate up and lose even more weight on me I know what you are thinking, “oh God he must feel so terrible! How can he go through life obese? Doesn’t he miss not knowing what his toes look like?” Well my dear salad munching friends you could not be farther from the truth. Usually what I am thinking is more like, “Dear God. Thank you for not letting my hair-line recede another inch.” and “I do hope I can find my cars keys and they are not in the kitty litter box…..again” It may be hard to believe but I just do not have an issue with the fact that I am a full-figured dude (you know Madison avenue that does look a lot better than fat guy. Thanks for that!) Before you ask my wife doesn’t have an issue with it either. I am not huge by any means. Granted the last time I saw my my own toes while standing up without sucking my gut in was like 4 years ago, but at 250 and 6 foot I’m not ready to be rolled down the hill and carted around on a fat cycle… yet. I am fat because I like to eat, I gain weight because I would rather have a seal team 6 use me for target practice than exorcise.

 

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“He’s right around this corner nibbling on Cheetos”

I think I have made my point that I am a happy fat guy, so I am sure you are thinking to yourself “why is he writing this article? if your happy to be fat, be fat and shut up already all this talk of meat induced euphoria is really making this salad look like a plate full of dead plants” Because as I said I am fine with it, so is my wife but one day while having a conversation with our daughter something dawned on me. While I may be quite happy being a fat guy, my body is getting older. I have carried the extra weight around for a while now and I just wonder what it’s doing to my heart. I can almost guarantee that the entire times the following thought has went through a person’s mind while looking into the eyes of their child is less that 0, “Gee it’ll be great when she graduates high school and Ill be in the ground as worm feed because taking a walk was just too much work” So I did a little research by typing the following question into Google “what extra weight does to your body men” The second site to appear in the search results (ps never pick the first one it is almost, ALWAYS and add trying to sell you something) was from a site called helpguide.org. Ok looks promising. For those of you not in the know the internet has a way of telling you what kind of site you are going to by the last three letters. .com or .biz is almost always a commercial site which means they are there to make cash in some form or another. .Gov is government any of you who can give me a designation of exactly what they do please do so in the comments below. And lastly my friend .org which mean organization. there are more but use your own google darn it! .org does not mean they are not around to make cash, it just means they are a little less in your face about it. I digress, according to the first sentence of the page “If you’re carrying many extra pounds, you face a higher-than-average risk of a whopping 50 different health problems.” OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!! 50!!! that’s like 49 more than I was worried about. OK we all know a ticker has to work harder to keep a fat guy going but the other 49 was totally new to me. I am not going through all of them here, see the image below for all that great news.

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Erectile dysfunction? gallstones, INFERTILITY? Oh my! Ok that’s one site right? If I try hard enough I can find a .org web site that will back of the fact that 75 million years ago, some intergalactic overlord named Xenu exiled people to Earth to solve a population issue. Back to good old Google. Mayo clinic came up. Wait I know them they are the ones who do all that good stuff and help sick people right? Surely they are a real web site which will only list truth and, crap. Pretty much the same thing. Only they added it gets worse with age. Great no help there. OK in my list of internet short names I forgot to mention .edu which stands for education. Like a school or college. Harvard. Yup Harvard came up on page 4. Guess what. They said the same thing but was nice enough to put it in bullet form. Each new dot was like a double loaded cheeseburger to the chest.

Just to name a few…..

  • dying early,
  • having, or dying from, a heart attack, stroke, or other type of cardiovascular disease,
  • developing diabetes
  • developing cancer of the colon, kidney, breast, or endometrium,
  • having arthritis,
  • developing gallstones
  • being infertile
  • developing asthma as an adult
  • snoring or suffering from sleep apnea
  • developing cataracts, or having a poorer quality of life.

Ok those all suck. In fact I could write an entire post on why each of those suck in alphabetical order. Ok internet I get it. Fat=Bad.

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“Ok I get it already!!”

Happy or not. I was not always fat. In high school I played soccer and all that other stuff young men who are not allowed to hunt each other down with spears do to impress girls. I spent some time in a gym and ran around a dirt track for a bit. In fact when I met my beautiful bride I was a whopping 170 pounds…… em 20 years ago that is. So just what in the name of Laurel and Hardy do I do about it? And here’s where we go down the rabbit hole kiddy’s.

I have scoured the web for a quick easy, I don’t have to freaking exorcise to lose weight miracle pill or diet and have come to the conclusion that it or they do not exist. Sadly the closest thing I found to an honest diet plan was this website http://www.thenobullshitdiet.com/ they give a calorie count guide and tell you if you eat more than that exorcise more. OK I give in, granted couldn’t we have just said bs diet but lets not get lost on profanity here that is diet for me. I will drop some extra poundage but not for myself. I could care less if someone doesn’t like that fact that I’m fat. And Mrs. Obama can take her dietary concerns and stick them up her rather ample backside, but for my little girl I will do this. It’s not going to be fun, in fact a nice bamboo treatment under the finger nails sounds more fun but like the sort of fat founding father once stated “I guess I don’t so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.” Benjamin Franklin

During my journey though i can honestly say that I have found some of the strangest diets in history… Which will be my next post on Sunday! Stay tuned!