Tell me there are stock options for the bottled air.

Whilst perusing the great reef that is the internet for a new chair to sit my great posterior in whilst editing images I stumbled across this glorious bottle of air listed at newegg.com . I hear it slices, dices and makes great mixed drinks. It better for 116 bucks. Sure that $14.00 can of air freshener you buy at at your local *mart can freshen the air, but is that ALL it does?

 

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The bird of paradise?

There is a old song by Little Jimmy Dickens called “May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose” Just in case you can listen to it below. I believe I found that bird, and even worse it knows where I live….

 

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Here is the song in case you haven’t heard of it before.

Thought for the day-

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Saturated fats, trans fats and in fact all fats are bad for you. imitation sugars can cause cancer in lab rats and ice cream can give you a headache. Allergic reactions can happen with any drug and can range from itching and rash all the way up to a life-threatening anaphylactic reaction. You could step off a curb practicing for your 10k run tomorrow and get hit by a bus..

 

Of course worrying about all these things are bad for you health too, so just enjoy life!!!

Toys that should have killed us but only left permanent scars. Part one.

Childhood. That wonderful time when we are immortal from death, free from pain, and have about as much common sense as dead rat. WE survived, no thanks to the toys of the day but we survived. Enjoy a quick trip down memory lane with me as we venture down the recent past.

Pow-Pow-power wheels

The Idea

The sun sets, just a kid, the open road and a 12 volt (which just happens to be the same as a car battery) powered power wheel. It could have been a replica of a Jeep or the Barbie corvette but that didn’t matter because this was a bad momma jammy at its finest. I can remember seeing these things tear down the sidewalk when I was a kid. Granted I never had one for some reason my parents didn’t think the kid who once gave himself 18 stitches in his knee because he thought he could jump over a 4 foot plant stand had the responsibility to drive heavy machinery. This would be a totally safe way for MOST kids to enjoy the thrill of the open sidewalks at a blazing five miles per hour without the danger of a real car and all those tedious driver’s license requirements.

Check out the original commercial on YouTube

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How it left the scars

On October 22, 1998 Fisher Price recalled over 10 million battery-powered Power Wheels ride-on cars and trucks. 10 Freakin Million! That’s a lot 0’s kids. Why? You may ask would they do such a thing. Well there was a little problem with the electrical components failing and overheating while the cars and trucks were being ridden, and sometimes when they were parked. 700 little Tommie’s and Tammie’s got their asses collectively lit up by this fabulous toy. Although it did look cool as hell tearing down the street with the ass-end on fire, well at least until it reached the seat anyway.

Fisher-Price has received approximately 700 reports of electrical components failing and overheating while the cars and trucks were being ridden, charged, parked or stored. About 150 fires have been reported


Back yard Gym sets

 

The Idea

This one is as old as apple pie and passing out during the seventh inning stretch, in no particular order. Swing sets are simple things in that you sit and the swing goes back and forth via the power of the feets. Granted like most kids I had two major goals when I was on a swing set as a child. One, get that thing going high enough to do a complete loop. Or when that didn’t work (and it never did) jump off at the apex of the upswing with enough force to crack the ground like iron man when I landed.

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“And THAT my friends is how you kill a spider!”

In the old days (were talking 80’s here) they were made from real metal and took our poor Dad’s 9 hours plus to put one together. Most were very much like they are today. Couple of swings and a little slide that you spent more time jumping off the top of than sliding down. One company decided to go a little outside the box. Hedstrom and Sears brand gym sets said to hell with all this boring slide stuff, how can we put a teeter totter on this thing.

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“Oh my goodness you took the blue pill didn’t you!!”

The idea was to add teeter totter / swing set contraption that one kid would sit on each on each end and go back and forth. Look at the image below and you can see what they were going for. Great idea in theory. Who used the slide anyway.

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“This your honor is a “before” photo”

 

How it left the scars

 

The issue was not apparent at first. Like with all new toys kids were caution for the first 5 minutes. Then boredom set it and they had to try a push a little bit further. When a child stood on the slide or crossbar, reached over to propel or stop the motion of the glide ride, he or she stood a great chance of earning a free amputation.

 

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“What this? It’s just a flesh wound!!”

In November 1988 Hedstrom and the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission tried real hard to get people to ask for a free little plastic part that would have easily taken care of the issue. Sadly is was too late. Boo boo’s had already happened.

There have been several incidents of children receiving severe laceration and amputations when getting their fingers caught between the metal slide

 

 

The at home science Kit

 

The Idea

I am a geek. That sadly meant I was a geek child. This included but was not limited to many a lonely Friday night. It also meant I could take apart a trs-80 and put it back together again and some really cool , em I mean small but controlled fires that I may or may not have been directly responsible for. I digress. This also meant that I owned a science kit or two in my time. My favorite was this thing my parents got from radio shack. You were supposed to be able to build an actual transistor radio out of the thing but I could get do was get a hiss from the darn thing.

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Back in 1994 some folks over at the wild goose company of salt lake city got together and thought that kids were just having way to much fun without the benefit of science. So they came up with an idea.

What if instead of preferring being force fed broccoli through a straw kids could have fun with science. Sounds like a pretty novel idea. But hey why stop there lets take this science at home thing one step further, what if we could teach them how to create heat via chemical reaction. Heat is cool right fellas?

 

Two businessmen sharing jokes

“You just lost you black bird, What Ted? Sure great idea!!”

How it left the scars

You see their target demographic was kids under 10 years old.

Issue number one.

The kit has 2 identical bottles of chemicals, glycerin and potassium permanganate. Granted the labels clearly contained different words but hey, who the heck has time to read labels we’re making heat here!

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There were no color codes, nothing to tell the small under 10-year-old minds that hey, maybe you should not mix these. Not to mention the half drunk adult minds. If you do mix these, like say switch caps and just a tiny drop or two sneaks into the wrong bottle, well let’s just say I hope your house insurance is paid up.

Issue number two.

Expecting kids, or adults for that matter to pay attention lids, labels or read directions. There are at least two house fires on the record from this very thing. In 1994 The Wild Goose Company of Salt Lake City, Utah, voluntarily recalled their “Professor Wacko’s Exothermic Exuberance” chemistry kits and I presume moved to desert to train under master Yoda.

If after use, a child or adult inadvertently switches the bottle caps, causing small portions of the chemicals to mix, an unexpected fire may result. CPSC is aware of at least two house fires that reportedly resulted from the above scenario

 

Kid Sized Hammock

funny to spell not so funny as your final resting place…..

 

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The idea

The hammock, meant to be the epiphany of relaxation and “keep away from me or I’ll squirt you with a garden hose at the least, or more likely throw my drink at your face with no regard for the pain it will cause.” Adults have loved them for years, so why not make one for little Timmy or Tammy? It’s a simple enough concept,

1 take full size hammock

2. Shrink full size hammock down to wee little kids size.

3. Have a kid puts their butts in the hammock and that’s about it. Just chill, relax maybe if your gutsy swing back and forth just a little bit. Simple safe and fun.

 

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“What me worry?”

 

 

How it left the scars

In concept even I think this is a good idea. I have enjoyed the occasional afternoon relaxing (well to be honest trying to keep very still and praying that I do not upset the hammock gods and am therefore ejected from their paradise and onto the hard ground below). The thing nobody thought of was that little kids are just that, kids. If you look at most kids they are a lot smaller than their full-sized adult counter parts. As adults we know that if you slip between the ropes it’s going to be a long night at the ER if your lucky or at the very least a long day at work tomorrow when you have to explain the strange rope burns on your body. Kids however lack the foresight. These were literally just shrunk down versions of the adult hammock. The recall and lawsuits were fast and furious.

when children are attempting to climb into or out of, are playing on, or are swinging on mini-hammocks like swings.

YO-YO balls

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“What could possible go wrong?”

The idea

A yo-yo is a simple enough toy. It goes down, it comes up when you flick your wrist. What could be more fun than a yo-yo? The Smothers Brothers made a career of it. Well a company decided they could not only improve the yo-yo but blow it out of the water making it scream uncle while wearing a tu-tu.

 

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“Laugh at me and I’ll chew your face off.”

A simple concept really, a water filled ball with a stretchy plastic chord. You throw the heavy ball out and it comes back. A yo-yo without the talent. Anyone could use this thing. For fun you could swing it through the air as well with your hands high about your head like some roman soldier with an old school sling shot.

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“Krazicus, put your underclothes down and come to dinner!”

How it left the scars

Well let’s start with the chemical makeup of the toy its self. You see to get that squishy tough plastic they use to keep all that glorious “watery stuff” inside they needed something strong. What they came up with is actually made with diesel hydrocarbons. Flammable? No more than a Kleenex dipped in gas. You literally have to wash your hands after playing with this toy it says so on the box. The concept was just a bad idea. The main issue aside from the heavily flammable thing was if you were swinging this thing around over your head wildly and dropped your hands to your body the heavy water filled ball now smacks you in the throat then wraps it’s way quickly around your neck.

There were multiple incidents actually causing this product to be completely banned in three states.

Clackers also known as Ker-Bangers

 

 

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“Looks safe, right?”

The idea

Everyone likes balls. Think of all the sports that would not exists if it were not for balls. What if they took those beloved balls and put them on a string?. We mean come on HEAVY BALLS ON A STRING, in the hands of a child. Sounds like a winner to me!

 

A businessman sat in the corner of the room wearing a dunce's hat with a dumb expression on his face.

“Leave him there for two hours then send him out to test the new teeter swings…”

You took this cool little toy and by moving your hands up and down you could make the balls slam into each other making a click clack sound. Hours and hours of ball clacking fun.

How it left the scars

There were two major downfalls of this toy. One, it was made of acrylic plastic. Somewhat strong but when you have a bunch of fools like us who our only goal was to get them going as fast and hard as possible would often find the balls shattering and filling our collective faces with small, sharp, pieces of shrapnel. Not to mention if your hand foolishly came between the fast swinging balls you would soon be the owner of a brand new finger cast.

consumer Product Safety Commission tested these toys, the balls either shattered or cracked

watch for part two next week, and thank you all for the support! Oh by the way feel free to share your experiences from childhood below.

The Confessions of a happy fat guy

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I’m a fat guy and its my fault, and what’s even worse is, and get ready, I’m a happy person. Oh God I just offended 60 percent of the population. First dear Lord help me I took responsibility for my fatness. I know there are millions to be made in blaming McDonald’s (or in my case Wendy’s and Denny’s) but hey I don’t remember the old lady from the “where’s the beef” commercials holding a gun to my head while I gulped down the triple baconator.

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Hottt……Juicy…..Drooooool

Actually she could have been there, so could Santa Claus and the Easter bunny I would not have noticed because I was in a meat induced euphoria that I did not care to come out of at the time. I look at myself in the mirror and I think, “yep that’s me, the fat guy” looking down at the sink I wonder “if I poured baking soda and vinegar down the sink it would smell any fresher? Oh and how long would it take me to clean the mess off the ceiling?”

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“Em, The cat did it”

Before all you skinny folks get your heart rate up and lose even more weight on me I know what you are thinking, “oh God he must feel so terrible! How can he go through life obese? Doesn’t he miss not knowing what his toes look like?” Well my dear salad munching friends you could not be farther from the truth. Usually what I am thinking is more like, “Dear God. Thank you for not letting my hair-line recede another inch.” and “I do hope I can find my cars keys and they are not in the kitty litter box…..again” It may be hard to believe but I just do not have an issue with the fact that I am a full-figured dude (you know Madison avenue that does look a lot better than fat guy. Thanks for that!) Before you ask my wife doesn’t have an issue with it either. I am not huge by any means. Granted the last time I saw my my own toes while standing up without sucking my gut in was like 4 years ago, but at 250 and 6 foot I’m not ready to be rolled down the hill and carted around on a fat cycle… yet. I am fat because I like to eat, I gain weight because I would rather have a seal team 6 use me for target practice than exorcise.

 

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“He’s right around this corner nibbling on Cheetos”

I think I have made my point that I am a happy fat guy, so I am sure you are thinking to yourself “why is he writing this article? if your happy to be fat, be fat and shut up already all this talk of meat induced euphoria is really making this salad look like a plate full of dead plants” Because as I said I am fine with it, so is my wife but one day while having a conversation with our daughter something dawned on me. While I may be quite happy being a fat guy, my body is getting older. I have carried the extra weight around for a while now and I just wonder what it’s doing to my heart. I can almost guarantee that the entire times the following thought has went through a person’s mind while looking into the eyes of their child is less that 0, “Gee it’ll be great when she graduates high school and Ill be in the ground as worm feed because taking a walk was just too much work” So I did a little research by typing the following question into Google “what extra weight does to your body men” The second site to appear in the search results (ps never pick the first one it is almost, ALWAYS and add trying to sell you something) was from a site called helpguide.org. Ok looks promising. For those of you not in the know the internet has a way of telling you what kind of site you are going to by the last three letters. .com or .biz is almost always a commercial site which means they are there to make cash in some form or another. .Gov is government any of you who can give me a designation of exactly what they do please do so in the comments below. And lastly my friend .org which mean organization. there are more but use your own google darn it! .org does not mean they are not around to make cash, it just means they are a little less in your face about it. I digress, according to the first sentence of the page “If you’re carrying many extra pounds, you face a higher-than-average risk of a whopping 50 different health problems.” OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!! 50!!! that’s like 49 more than I was worried about. OK we all know a ticker has to work harder to keep a fat guy going but the other 49 was totally new to me. I am not going through all of them here, see the image below for all that great news.

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Erectile dysfunction? gallstones, INFERTILITY? Oh my! Ok that’s one site right? If I try hard enough I can find a .org web site that will back of the fact that 75 million years ago, some intergalactic overlord named Xenu exiled people to Earth to solve a population issue. Back to good old Google. Mayo clinic came up. Wait I know them they are the ones who do all that good stuff and help sick people right? Surely they are a real web site which will only list truth and, crap. Pretty much the same thing. Only they added it gets worse with age. Great no help there. OK in my list of internet short names I forgot to mention .edu which stands for education. Like a school or college. Harvard. Yup Harvard came up on page 4. Guess what. They said the same thing but was nice enough to put it in bullet form. Each new dot was like a double loaded cheeseburger to the chest.

Just to name a few…..

  • dying early,
  • having, or dying from, a heart attack, stroke, or other type of cardiovascular disease,
  • developing diabetes
  • developing cancer of the colon, kidney, breast, or endometrium,
  • having arthritis,
  • developing gallstones
  • being infertile
  • developing asthma as an adult
  • snoring or suffering from sleep apnea
  • developing cataracts, or having a poorer quality of life.

Ok those all suck. In fact I could write an entire post on why each of those suck in alphabetical order. Ok internet I get it. Fat=Bad.

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“Ok I get it already!!”

Happy or not. I was not always fat. In high school I played soccer and all that other stuff young men who are not allowed to hunt each other down with spears do to impress girls. I spent some time in a gym and ran around a dirt track for a bit. In fact when I met my beautiful bride I was a whopping 170 pounds…… em 20 years ago that is. So just what in the name of Laurel and Hardy do I do about it? And here’s where we go down the rabbit hole kiddy’s.

I have scoured the web for a quick easy, I don’t have to freaking exorcise to lose weight miracle pill or diet and have come to the conclusion that it or they do not exist. Sadly the closest thing I found to an honest diet plan was this website http://www.thenobullshitdiet.com/ they give a calorie count guide and tell you if you eat more than that exorcise more. OK I give in, granted couldn’t we have just said bs diet but lets not get lost on profanity here that is diet for me. I will drop some extra poundage but not for myself. I could care less if someone doesn’t like that fact that I’m fat. And Mrs. Obama can take her dietary concerns and stick them up her rather ample backside, but for my little girl I will do this. It’s not going to be fun, in fact a nice bamboo treatment under the finger nails sounds more fun but like the sort of fat founding father once stated “I guess I don’t so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.” Benjamin Franklin

During my journey though i can honestly say that I have found some of the strangest diets in history… Which will be my next post on Sunday! Stay tuned!